Between Love and Falling
by Riis
Summary: Ashley's a teen music sensation from a broken home. She and Spencer have been floating somewhere between friendship and something more. Will Ashly's growing fame make them closer or will they drift further apart?
1. Chapter 1

"I don't think of home much when I'm on the road…that's one of the perks of this kind of life. I have friends and family but they don't live in San Fran anymore." I said, answering the question as honestly as I could. Phone interviews were always the toughest; you could never see the interviewer's face to gauge their reactions to your answers or even figure out their motives for asking the things that they did. Some magazines and radio stations wanted fun stuff, favorite gum or sneaker brand. Others were all about the love life and who you were dating. The worst ones, tough, wanted to know about family, skeletons in the closet, _people_ in the closet. I kept it pretty light overall. Reporters, talk show hosts, radio jockeys…they were all the same; basically paps who got promotions. The more you let them in, the more leverage they had. I'd been doing the teen idol thing for what was going on three years and I had a handle on things.

"Anybody special that you look forward to seeing at the end of a grueling tour?"

"Yeah, I'd have to say my best friend and my little brother. They keep me centered."

"Oh, who's lucky enough to be the best friend of teen hotty Ashley Davies, gotta be someone insanely great." I laughed, knowing that he was fishing.

"Yeah, she is."

"Aw, don't hold out on us Ashers, everyone here in London is listening intently and we all want to get a look inside the life behind that beautiful set of pipes of yours."

"And I appreciate that Dan but privacy's a hard thing to come by, especially in this business. There aren't many things that I can keep to myself, having a best friend is just one of things that help me to be a normal teenager."

"Speaking of normalcy, how would you characterize your genre of music? I mean, your fan base is one of most diverse of any artist"

"Maybe Indie, with a little bit of techno funk mixed in. I honestly don't know. As for the fans, I like to think that my music has connectivity. I sing about love and pain and anger; everybody feels or has felt those things at one point in time. Human emotion transcends race, age or what have you."

"That's totally vibin' babe and on that note we're going to take a listen to your newest song and title of your sophomore album 'Closer'. Thanks for chatting with all of us fans here across the pond."

"No problem Dan, thanks for having me" I hung up my cell phone as Spencer cranked up the radio.

"I love this song Ash… You sound sooo good. " She whispers as she pulls me up to dance with her.

_I don't want to give you up  
I don't want to hold you up  
I don't want ambiguous  
I just know that I've had enough  
I want you to travel with me  
Let loose and let your mind go free...Show you things that you've never seen  
You just got to go with me  
Ohhh_

Your love is so good that I want to show you  
Don't make me responsible, for something that you can't find  
Ohhh  
Your loving is so good, so good, the closer  
I want it, I want it  
Into me  
I want it, I want it,  
Leave it here  
I want to get close to you baby  
Experience...  
I want it, I want it  
Generous...  
Lay down what's impeding you  
Cause I want to get close to you

I don't want to give you up  
I'm tired of the pull and push  
I'm tired of the making love  
Don't you feel like you've had enough  
I want you to journey with me, explore all the innocence  
I don't mind us to build tension but we've got to move in the same direction

As we swayed goofily around her room, I let my mind drift to the first day that I met Spencer. I couldn't believed that we'd known each other almost a year.

_I wasn't really ready to leave San Francisco when we did; everything that I needed was there with the old house. I would miss the rain and the way that the sun felt hot on my cheek after a long harsh storm. Mom said that all good things ended and that in order to launch my career properly we'd need to settle in Atlanta where all of the big shot record producers set up shop. I didn't have the heart to tell her, then, that I wasn't sure if I could lift my voice to sing without dad there to cheer me on. The divorce had been so messy; the fighting and the yelling had dragged us all through the mud. Mom told the lawyers that dad had been verbally abusive to her and when dad found out he flipped. He threw the little clay owl that I'd made for him at mom, at me. We shattered as that thing hit the floor and broke into so many pieces._

_We were on a plane to Atlanta the next day, me, Conner, and Mom. The ride had been silent and long because none of us knew exactly what to say. We kept quiet as we moved into our new house, even as we started our new schools the next day._

"_Ashley, I'll pick you up after school and then we'll ride to get Con together."_

"_Kay."_

"_Well…be safe."_

"_Yep." I said as I walked out of the door that day. Fifteen minute walk to the new school from our house but I lollygagged about it; I was in no rush to face the fact that my old life had officially ended. _

_Maybe it was fate that the sky opened up and poured rain onto my already frustrated head that day; a dose of home to let me know that things would be oaky. I had rounded the corner and was literally about twenty or so feet from the door of the school when the water began to fall. There were few students on the lawn and for that I was grateful. I was just about sink completely into the embarrassment of having to spent my entire first day soaked and cold, when I noticed her. She was ordinary from my viewpoint; her clothes were typical as were her mannerisms. The thing that had caught my attention had been her failure to rush in when the rain started. Instead, she'd just sort of stood there with her head tilted up towards the sky._

"_Are you alright?" I asked, as I made my way towards her, reluctant to keep walking past despite the weather. She looked at me with a whimsical look on her face._

"_I'm sorry, do I know you?"_

"_That'll be a no and my signal to head in." I said awkwardly as I turned to walk away. As I entered the building, the bell for class to start sounded overhead. I sighed as imagined the onslaught of annoyances that would be sure to follow due to my tardiness. For instance, I would have to hurry and locate the attendance office before reporting to the registrar for my schedule. The place, let me tell you, looked like some sort of complicated prison maze that I'd decided had been designed to provoke confusion. Why else would they not number the doorways and have each hall painted the same pasty blue color? I wondered around and around, squeaking in my sneakers, in vain. There were no officials in hall nor were there any students to assist. After a while of this pointless searching, I decided to just poke my head in one of the classrooms and ask for help. _

_I eased the door to one room open. I imagine that I must've have looked quite ridiculous as several of the students began to chuckle but it took a minute or two for the teacher to notice that I was even standing there._

"_May I help you, young lady?" He asked abruptly._

"_Yes, actually. You see, I'm new and well..I'm late. I assumed that there would be an attendance office or something for me to check in at but I can't find it at all."_

"_You have a note?"_

"_Like from home or something?" he rolled his eyes as if to say that my question was absurd._

"_Yes that's usually where you get them unless they come from a doctor's office." the class really let loose after he had said that._

"_No, I don't. I was delayed because of the rain. "_

"_Well, with no note, the attendance office won't be able to help you. The best thing for you would be to report to class and take the tardy and whatever consequences your teacher assigns for that kind of thing."_

" _I have no schedule as of yet and I don't know here to go to get that either."_

" _Hmm, that is a pickle. I'll tell you what, why don't I send one of mine to get you where you need to be."_

"_I'd appreciate that, thank you."_

" _Carlin!" As he shouted a head in the back of the classroom popped up. _

"_Yeah, Mr. H?"_

" _I need you to show Miss…_

"_Ashley."_

"_Miss Ashley here how to get to the uh…"_

"_Registrar's office and then to my first class."_

"_Yeah, what she said. Maybe while you're escorting her you can wake yourself up enough to actually be a participating member of class when you return."_

"_Gotcha." as she walked to the front of the room, I recognized her as the girl from earlier that morning. We walked for a bit in silence._

"_So are you special ed?" I halted immediately._

"_What? No! What gives you that impression?"_

"_I don't know, you seem a little out of it."_

"_It is my first day and all. That kind of thing tends to be a little disorienting."_

"_I guess. It has everything to do with motor skills; you know brain reception and stuff."_

"_I'm not slow, okay?"_

" _Of course you aren't. It isn't about fast or slow. Some people are just a little more FG than others and that's perfectly alright." _

"_FG?"_

"_Forrest Gump."_

"_You're comparing me to that guy?", I asked incredulously._

"_Comparing wouldn't be my word of choice. It's more like grouping…or characterizing."_

"_I'm not mental, okay?"_

"_I understand perfectly." I knew that she was doing that thing that sane people do to crazy people. You know, when they assure them that their attempts to validate their sanity are being accepted when really it's just tipping the scale against them._

"_This is the registrar's office." she announced, stopping suddenly in front of a door. I stared at her oddly._

"_Do you want me to go in with you?" She asked me slowly and deliberately._

'_Ugh! Forget it."_

"Are your interviews always that brief?" Spencer asked as we both stretched across her bed. The song had finished and we were settling into the familiar.

"Yeah, the ones over the phone are. It gets weird when they try to stretch things out." she nodded solemnly.

"You okay, Spence?"

"Yeah, just…can I ask you something Ash?"

"Shoot."

"Did you mean what you said about your best friend and Con keeping you centered?"

"Yeah, why?"

" I don't know…who's your best friend?"

"You, duh."

"Really?"

"I mean, is that okay? Just because I consider you my best friend doesn't mean that I have to be your best friend. I mean, you're a likeable person Spence, I know that there must be loads of people gunning for that best friend spot and I would never begin to presume that just because we hang a lot…"

"Ash…"

"I get it, I do. You just, uh, are important to me and plus I don't have a whole lot of friends. I mean even if I did, you'd be the best…

"Ash…"

"No , I understand and maybe I should have run it past you before I brought it up on the radio with that DJ Dan guy…" she pressed her hand lightly against my lips.

"Stop obsessing. You should know that you are the most important person in my life and, naturally, that would mean that you're my best friend. It's just nice to know that you care about me too." I struggled to speak against her hand.

"Shhh. It's cute when you ramble but you have to promise me that if I remove my hand you won't get all ADHD again? Yeah?" I nodded.

"Good." she said pulling her hand away.

"Sorry."

"Please, Ash. You've gotta stop apologizing for being adorable." I smiled.

"I remember when you thought of it more as my special needs making themselves manifest rather than adorableness. "

"Ha. You were just plain weird around me, that's all."

"I was not! You just turned every little thing that I did into something that it wasn't!"

"We've talked about this Ash, It's okay if you're a little bit more…"

"Don't you dare say it!"

"A little bit more…"

"I' m warning you Spence, I will tickle attack."

"Ashley, it isn't my fault that you are more F.G than the average person…" I rolled on top of her and began wiggling my fingers, up and down her sides, beneath the fabric of her shirt.

"AH HA HA AH….god, you're so sensitive!" she laughed heartily as I continued with my attack.

"I'm sensitive huh?" I pulled her shirt up more and moved to blow her stomach.

"Oh god, please not my stomach…You're playing dirty!" Her laughter topped abruptly as the door eased open.

"Spencer….uh, I was calling you but obviously you didn't hear me. Aiden is in the driveway for you. "

"Yeah, Ashley's over." Spencer said, forcing her mother to acknowledge my presence.

"Hello. Anyway, he's been waiting for about fifteen minutes."

"Why's he in the driveway?"

"You know how your father feel s about him; after his last stunt with you, you're father has decided that he is no longer welcome in this house." I stifled a chuckle; I remembered that occurrence clearly

_I'd just gotten back to Atlanta from my first World Tour. I'd driven as fast as I could with only one goal in mind…being the first person to wish Spencer a happy eighteenth birthday. In order to do that, I'd need to be in her room at exactly 1:17 in the morning. It was the time that she'd been born and she'd told me that she had always wanted someone to get her birthday right down to the time. I was speeding down the freeway, running red lights, doing everything I could to get there. My flight had landed at exactly 12:45 so I hadn't much time. In the last city of the tour, I'd picked her up a present. All I needed was to be there._

_After parking my car about a block away from her house and full on sprinting all the way there, I basically leapt up the ladder that led to her bedroom window. She always left it open for me just in case I got to town and needed an impromptu place to stay. I eased in as quietly as I could and poised myself in the chair that directly faced her bed. The time was 1 :16 and I had just enough time to quickly text her and wait._

_I heard my voice streaming from her phone…_

"_Every night I rest in my bed…"_

_She sat up sleepily and I watched as she read my message._

_**U look so peaceful when u sleep. Happy Bday.**_

_She sat up abruptly and clicked on the little mermaid lamp that sat next to her bed._

"_Oh my gosh….Ash, how did …"_

"_Happy Birthday Spencer."_

"_This is, just, I can't believe… Thank you, you know?"_

"_Are you crying Spencer?" I said, slightly nervous._

"_Yeah. I am, get over here, you." I kicked off my biker boots and made my way over to her bed. She rested her head in the crook of my neck. " This is the best present ever, Ash."_

"_Actually, uh, I got you something."_

"_Ash…"_

"_I remembered when we were in New York on that class trip last year and you saw that necklace in the window…the one you said might have belonged to your great grandmother. Well, that one didn't but I did some research and, uh, found the one that did. " I pulled the tiny box out of my pocket. She traced over the velvet cover of the box with her finger tips, delicately, outlining its finish._

"_I'm not going to open it."  
_

"_Oh?"_

"_Nope, I want to wear it with something beautiful, how about senior prom?"_

"_Whatever you want Spence."_

"_I love it Ash, I do. I'm just so emotional right now …because you're here, I just can't. Can I just, be here with you? I know that I'm probably crossing a million lines and I don't want to freak you out but I just really want, __**need**__, to kiss you. I just need to be that close to you right now, to show you how I feel …" _

_I leaned forward, slightly, giving her a chance to change her mind. As she moved to meet me, we heard hurried feet on the stairs._

"_Shit! Ash, that's going to be my Dad. "_

"_Oh, okay I'll go."_

" _I'm sorry."_

"_No, it's fine." I said as I grabbed my boots and headed out of the window. I ran so fast from the house that I didn't have time to think o anything till I was in my car. After things had calmed down a little, I drove myself home. I knew my mom and brother would be asleep; I wasn't in the mood for questioning. When I got up to my room, I got a text from Spencer. My heart leapt in my chest as I read her message._

_**X**_

_The next day she told me that her dad thought that it was Aiden that had been in her room._

__

**AN:**

**So. The songs used in this chapter were Closer by Corrine Bailey Rae and a bit of Sweet Dreams by Beyonce Please Review….More to Come.**


	2. Chapter 2

I have to be okay with Spencer dating Aiden; there is no logical reason for me to be jealous or opposed to their relationship in anyway. He's whop Spencer chose and I have to respect that even if every time I look at him I get a sick feeling in the bottom of my gut that makes me want to throw something at his head. I guess part of me envies the fact that he gets to be around so much while I was forced to drop out and get a tutor.

In some ways, I miss regular high school. I miss pep rallies and dances. I miss complaining about ratty text books and school lunch. All of that was pretty much over as soon as I got signed by a major label. Everything went so fast from there, the money, the tours, the fans. It used to be fine for me to hang with friends at the mall but now I can't walk anywhere without someone noticing me or chasing me. It gets really lonely. I feel like I'm on display in some elite museum. People come to see me, to take pictures, but at the end of the day I'm still alone. Spencer is my only friend, really. I have my mom but she's always off somewhere " Managing the family business." And my little brother is well…little.

When I am off there isn't much to sit around the house or text Spencer while she's in class. God forbid I go out , too much notoriety.

Sitting in the parking lot at Spencer's school on the hood of my car, I watch her walking with her friends, with Aiden. She's smiling and the light from the sun is hitting her face perfectly. I look on quietly, not wanting to intrude on this time that isn't mine to have with her. I laugh when I hear her laugh, her voice fills up the air when she's happy, making her joy contagious. She beckons me over and for a second, I feel like I'm back in the early stages of our friendship and I want to check behind me to make sure she's actually talking to me.

"Get over here, you goof!" She yells, I'm all low key in this ridiculous hoody and shades, trying to avoid attention. I get up and begin slowly making my way across the parking lot.

"Hey you," She says engulfing me in a full hug.

"Hey." I say.

"We " she said gesturing at her friends" were just getting ready to head out for lunch. You in?"

"Alright, I mean if it's cool with you guys?"

"Don't be ridiculous we're always begging Spencer to let us hang out with you." one kid says.

"Yeah, she always hogs you." I laugh a bit.

"Hey Aiden." I say, trying my best at being friendly. He just nods his head at me. We aren't really on friendly terms; he's been sore at me ever since Spencer's birthday. I guess he wanted her to tell her dad about it being me in her room that night instead of him.

"Be nice, Aiden." Spencer 's giving him this wary eye that, admittedly, makes me smile on the inside. It's nice to know that she takes up for me even when it's her boyfriend. He scowls and I jus remain cool about it; collected. She makes me feel confident in our friendship. I know that after she checked him just then, I didn't have to say anything else. It was instantly understood by all present that she wasn't looking to be forced into an ultimatum and if things were to come to that, whose side she would choose.

"Whoa Spence… six people, only room for four of us in my car."

"That's cool, I'll ride with Ashley, and we'll meet you guys there."

"Yeah, alright…come on everybody." The group began to disburse and Spencer and I head to my car.

"So…what brings you to the land of teenage normalcy this bright and sunny afternoon?"

"Ha. Well, I uh wanted to spend time with you." she stopped where she was.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I know you have school and all but I wanted to hang out with you while I'm in town."

"That's…exactly what I wanted? You always seem to know when I need you."

" Nah. I just need you Spencer, so I'm always going to be around. You make me happy." she bumped into me lightly.

"I'll take that too…"

We rode along in silence for a while, Spencer only telling me where to turn or stop.

"So Aiden's grumpy." I said as casually as I could.

"Yea, he hates having to give me up when you're in town. That plus the whole not being allowed in the house thing is hard for him."

"I mean, I could talk to Mr. C and…"

"We've been over this; I wanted you there that night as I will for many nights to come. It would kill me if I couldn't sleep next to you anymore. Aiden's a big boy, he can get over it." I nod, wondering silently if she knows how many implications her words carry for me. I always think about what would have happened had her dad not come up those stairs. Where would we have ended up? How would we have ended up? The weightiness of that night is too hard for me to grasp most days. I've never brought up what almost happened with Spencer, never known how to. She seems…so much like she was before, sweet and direct and so sure of herself. Sometimes I wonder if she was there with me, if her heart was racing as fast as mine was, if it meant…

"And here we are." she said as we pulled in front of a pizzeria.

Inside, her friends had already secured a table. There was a seat next to Aiden for Spencer and a seat next to sum curly headed blonde guy for me. We smile knowingly at one another before separating to take our seats.

"So Ashley, may I call you Ashley? " The guy next to me starts in right away.

"Yeah, that's my name."

"Ah!." he kind of squeals before adding " She's hot and witty. Kyla, your turn, it's already too much for me." before I know what's going on, Blonde Squealer is replaced by a brown haired girl. She just sits next to for a while, she's staring at me, smiling.

"God! Quit lezzing on her Kyla" everyone starts laughing at her.

"Glenn, can you keep your mouth shut about that. Damn, now you've made her uncomfortable." I'm more confused than anything. I give Spencer a look that I hope says explain.

"Kyla's gay and she thinks that it bothers people."

"Thank you Spencer." Kyla says sarcastically.

"What sweetie? I t doesn't bother anyone, least of all Ash." Her eyes connect with mine across the table. "Right Ash?"

"Yeah." I say shaking myself free from the trance that I'm in " Be yourself." The girls face lights up in this completely adorable way. Her eyes get huge like a little kid.

"So you don't mind me sitting next to you?"

"Not at all. Relax."

"You were right Spencer, she is a sweet heart." I blush a little at the idea of Spencer complimenting me to other people. I refuse to look at her again then though, that would open me up to her eyes and I would uncontrollably melt to a pool of mush right here at the table.

"Can we all please take one giant hop off of Ashley's nuts? Ya'll are seriously border line pathetic right now." a girl snarled more so at me than any one else.

"Ashley, meet Madison…the group bitch."

"Long as you know it Spence."

"How could I forget Maddie? You never turn it off."

"I am who I am besides, it's not my fault that the whole girl next door thing isn't getting you laid."

"So hows about that pizza." Glenn said trying to lighten the mood.

"I _have_ a boyfriend bitch."

"Yeah, and we all know how much time he's been spending in your room lately."

"Doesn't matter, if I wanted to I'd still get more than you. I'm just not a loose slut"

"Sure Spencer, you go ahead and think that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Uhh..Spencer…"

"No Glenn, she wants to know so I'll tell her."

"Go right ahead and tell me ."

"The night that you were cuddling up with little miss teen idol over there, did you ever wonder where your boyfriend was?" I'm standing suddenly, and almost just as suddenly, I'm walking over to Spencer, taking her hand, leading her outside.

"Spencer wait!"

"Wait for what Aiden? More humiliation? "

"Madison's a bitch, you said so yourself."

"Which is exactly why I can't believe that you'd do something like that with her."

"I didn't sleep with her."

"Yeah, I'm sure you two were much too busy to sleep. I 'm leaving, do me a favor and lose my number."

The drive home was silent; I didn't want to push her into talking to me if she wasn't ready. We both understood that she couldn't go to her house in the middle of the day; her mom was a 'stay at home 'and she would wonder why Spencer wasn't in school.

We seemed to float up the stairs and into my room and now, as we lie staring at the ceiling, I listen to her breathing. She is asleep. It's ironic to me how comfortable we are here; how simple what we are doing is despite all that it stands to represent. I can still remember the first time she came to my house. She just sort of showed up, uninvited, about two months after we'd met.

"_Ashley, someone's at the door for you!" My mom called up the stairs, I'd been sitting cross legged on my bed writing. The first album was crucial, the producers had told me, and I needed a smash song for the single to set me apart from the other burgeoning artists._

"_Yeah, I'm coming!" I raced down to find a bright eyed Spencer waiting on my porch. _

"_Spencer?"_

"_Yeah, you know, from school."_

"_I know who you are."_

"_Well, Ashley, the polite thing to do, then, would be to invite me in. It 's cold out here."_

"_Sorry, I'm just surprised that you're here…uh, come in." She sauntered around me and into the living room. "How did you even know where I lived?"_

"_Google Duh."_

"_You googled me?"_

"_Hey there guy." she said to the person who could only be my brother. She was avoiding the question._

"_This is my little brother Conner, he's a brat."_

"_Shut your ugly face, I am not!" I stuck my tongue out at him juvenilely " See what I mean."_

"_I guess we should head to my room." I said, waiting for her to move first._

"_I've never been here before, so, I don't know where that would be."_

"_Right." I said before starting up the stairs "Follow me."_

"_This is nice, does your mom clean it for you?" she asked in her usual Spencer manner once we'd gotten in._

"_Of course not, I'm 17."_

"_That wouldn't mean anything, for a person of your…shall we say capacity."_

" _You've got to stop with this special ed thing. Besides I couldn't be special ed if we have the same English class."_

"_I know, I'd moved on from that theory. Now I believe that you're autistic."_

"_I'm not even opening that can of worms with you." I said tiredly. I noticed that she was still standing, awkwardly in the middle of my floor._

"_Do you wanna sit?"_

"_Yes, I do. Where would you like me?" I raised my eyebrow at that question._

"_The bed, if you want… or the chai,r anywhere is good."_

"_Okay." she said as plopped onto the floor ._

"_Geesh, Spence. Not on the floor. Sit on the bed, next to me." She'd stood up and then commenced staring at me with a pointed look._

"_You called me 'Spence'. "_

"_Oh, I'm sorry..I just uh…"_

"_No one's ever called me that but I like it. I'll sit on the bed now." Just before she sat, I grabbed the song that I'd been working on, and moved it out of harm's way._

"_What is that?"_

"_I'm writing a song."_

"_Why?" she said looking at me with a genuinely curious look on her face._

"_You'll think it's stupid."_

" _I won't."_

"_Promise?"_

"_Yes. We're friends now. You can trust me."_

"_I'm uh, recording an album. I've gotten most of the others down and recorded but I've got to get the single."_

"_You're like , seriously recording an album. With producers and everything?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Wow"_

"_Wow?"_

"_That's amazing Ashley. Like really amazing."_

"_Well, it's been in the works since we moved here."_

"_Can I hear it?"_

"_The album?" She rolled her eyes_

"_No, the song that you were writing before I came."_

"_Oh, it's not finished."_

"_Please?" And how could I have resisted? She was staring into my eyes with a look that was so pure, so singularly powerful. That was the first time that I got lost in her eyes, and it was a dizzying feeling that consumed me and made my heart quiver._

"_Yea, alright." I said reaching over to grab my guitar from its position beside my nightstand._

"_I'm thinking of calling it Between Love and Falling..I don't know. So, here it goes." I counted off softly before I began strumming the string._

_Every night I rush to my bed  
With hopes that maybe I'll get a chance to see you  
When I close my eyes  
I'm goin outta my head  
Lost in a fairytale  
Can you hold my hands and be my guide_

Clouds filled with stars cover your skies  
And I hope it rains  
You're the perfect lullaby  
What kinda dream am is this

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare  
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you  
Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare  
Somebody pinch me, your loves to good to be true  
My guilty pleasure I ain't goin no where  
Baby long as you're here  
I'll be floating on air cause you're my  
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare  
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you

I mention you when I say my prayers  
I wrap you around all of my thoughts  
Boy you my temporary high  
I wish that when I wake up you're there  
So wrap your arms around me for real  
And tell me you'll stay by side….

_I ended. " That's all I have right now, and I'm guessing they'll want me to pick up the tempo once we're ready to record but…"_

"_What is it about?"_

"_The difference between falling in love and being in love. People always clump the two together you know? I just believe that there is this period of time, before you're in love with someone, that you have of free falling, ultimately surrendering yourself to what you feel and who you feel it for. The nightmare before the dream."_

"_Do you really believe that it's a nightmare, falling in love?"_

"_Yeah, I think that the falling makes you so vulnerable that it magnifies all of your emotions. It cuts you open and leaves you raw."_

"_Is the rawness its indicator?"_

"_Yeah, I guess it is." She nodded solemnly._

"_What's wrong Spencer?"_

"_I came here to tell you something. Because we're friends and I trust you."_

"_Tell me."_

"_I lost my virginity tonight, to a boy, Aiden Dennison."_

"_Oh.." I said shifting uncomfortably._

"_I'm falling in love. Your song, your explanation, confirmed it."_

"_Is it.. are you falling in love with Aiden?" I cringed inwardly, I didn't know him at the time but I'd seen him around school and he just didn't strike me as worthy._

"_No. Someone else. I thought by sleeping with him I'd be able to stop myself but it just made things worse because now I can't deny that it's happening and I'm afraid."_

"_I'm sorry Spencer. I wish that there was something that I could do for you, something to make this easier for you…"_

"_Can I sleep here Ashley? I don't think I can be by myself tonight." And she did._

I can honestly say that I think I've disliked Aiden since Spencer told me about him that night. I renamed the song Sweet Dreams because I'd stayed up all night watching Spencer toss and turn. I thought that in naming the song what I did, I was wishing her rest and peace. It burned me to know that, even after what Spencer had given Aiden, he'd gone behind her back and had done something with that obvious skank Madison. The good guy image might be a façade but it bothers me to think of Spencer dealing with him on her own when it's time for me to leave again. I feel betrayed for Spencer and by him. As I watch her troubled sleep, I feel even more helpless than I had that night.

__

**AN:**

**Thank you to those that reviewed. Song: Sweet Dreams by Beyonce.**


	3. Chapter 3

Spencer's POV

"Oh Baby I'm A… Oh Baby I'm A…!" Ashley sings into the mic…her hair is pulled up and her eyebrows are furled as she concentrates on hitting all the right notes. We are in the studio, recording some new track for the reloaded version of her album.

"Ashley, hold it. Do you need a break, you're just not here today…what can we get you to make this thing float? Huh, what do you need…you want a coke …you want _some_ coke? Anything you want you got it, but we gotta cut this track today."

"I get that Bert, I do but it's hot as fuck in here , I can barely breathe, and my bitch manager refuses to do his job!" She's tense. Her eyes are stormy and sweat is pouring down her neck. We've been here for about six hours and she hasn't laid the second verse yet. Attacking her when she's like this won't help nor will trying to seduce her with drugs or whatever.

"Baby, baby don't blow up on us. Pete's doing all he can; we just need you to bring out a little more of that voice and we can all go home. You're frustrated; I know it and it's coming in through your voice."

"What do you want me to do Bert we've been here and I…"

"I want you to sing Ashers, don't give out like I know you love to do when a track is rough to record. Just, stay here" he's gesturing at his chest "with me and it'll turn out. You'll see."

"Fine. But if we 're going to do this then Pete has to go fuck himself while I'm finishing. I don't like working while he's perving on me and my friend." She says angrily.

"Geez Pete, stop drooling over Spencer and go take a walk."

"But Bert… I'm…"

"Leave Pete." So Ashley get's protective when it comes to me ; it's always been that way and, if I'm completely honest, I'll admit that it makes me feel safe. I know that Pete's a creep; he's new to the management team, he tries to talk to me every time Ash comes home. Even with Aiden out of the picture, I want nothing to do with him.

Aiden. Ashley protects me from thinking about him. Or at least she tries to. I know that it makes her nervous when I come to watch her work but she invited me to keep my mind off of him. In so many ways I want to tell her that it isn't necessary. Aiden represented a period o f my life that I needed to be over anyway; I was just waiting for the exit to present itself. Now that it's done, I feel…lighter, like I'm y old self again. There are things that good girlfriends are expected to do that I just wasn't comfortable with and now…now I don't have to pretend like it's good or worry about the next time he'll want a piece of my body. I am captain of my own vessel again and this decided ability to direct, to choose, makes me feel strong. Forget that I am small spec in the universe; forget that there are things going on bigger than my corner of the earth. I can take comfort knowing that I have the right to say no again.

Ashley is staring at me through the glass and I think maybe she should take Bert up on the offer for that break.

"Walk with me." I mouth to her and she nods.

"Bert, I'm taking twenty. I'll come back full force though."

"Lookin forward to it babe."

The streets of downtown Atlanta are a hodgepodge of different cultures at night. I see pot hads, dread heads, pill heads, weaved heads, balding head…all splayed against the backdrop of the sleepy blue sky, littered with airplanes and stars. I see a head of brown curls with a question mark of confusion that is visibly set on her lips. Here, with me, Ashley can have time away from the limelight. We have a quiet understanding that paparazzi might be lurking , but I want her to relax.

"You were okay in there right? I know It's been all day and I'm sorry. This song is tough. "

"No, I get that. You know I love watching you in action. I'm glad you invited me. " 

"Ha. I wish I could put on a better performance."

"You were good."

"Are you kidding me, I was stinking it up back there. This song…I don't know what Bert was thinking asking me to record it."

"You wrote it right?"

"Yeah, on a bar napkin and I was half drunk when I did. It's barely coherent and most of it is meant to be screamed. It is an out of control kind of tune, you know? I can't muster that up by my lonesome."

" So get wasted."

"What?"

"Yeah, Bert said he'd get you whatever. With that giant bald spot of his he's definitely old enough to buy booze. Get booze from Bert, get drunk and scream."

"Are you serious? I drove here."

"So let me drive you back. I'll take good care of you Ash, if that's what you're worried about."

"Hey , " she's touching my face. Her fingers ,calloused from her guitar playing, trail down my cheek., "I trust you, you goober."

"Sure you do Forrest."

"Ha. So I'm Forrest again."

"You're always Forrest, some days are just better than others."

"Not going there with you."

"Fine, but I'm just saying…"

"I'm just saying I want to get back and get this 'work' thing done so that I can tickle you properly the next time you call me that ridiculous name."

" Oh? And how are you going to do that when you're going to be drunk off of your ass?" She stops, I love it when I stump her; watching her visibly go through the process of trying to come up with a response has got to be the cutest thing that I've ever seen. She is so physical with everything that she does. I can always read her emotions by looking at her face or watching her gestures.

"Ugh. "

"I stumped you."

"Shut up"

::::

Ashley is good and drunk. She has removed her shirt and is now in full fledge singer mode with just her bra on. She decided to scrap the original lyrics completely so Bert had to throw out the little bit that they've recorded today.

"Alright Spencer …I'm about to show you why they call me One Smash Ash. Like, Berty turn me up. I'm going in on this thing for real and I don't want you to miss annnyyyy of it , Ha ha " She speaks into the mic so that I can hear her. Bert has the music to the track pumping, and as soon as Ashley gets her head set on she starts.

_I told ya  
I told ya  
I told ya  
Baby  
Uh, uh  
I told ya, baby  
Uh-oh  
I told ya, baby  
Uh-oh  
I told ya, baby  
Uh-oh  
I told ya, baby  
Uh-oh  
I told ya, baby  
Uh-oh  
I told ya_

Bert looks nervous, the first bar or so that she sings isn't really composed of real words. The positive side is that she sounds amazing; her voice is coming through so strongly. I mouth to Bert to let her keep going; he nods quickly like that was his plan all along but I know he needed the reassurance.

_Got up in the club  
Posted in the back  
Feeling so good  
Looking so bad_

I'm Rocking this skirt  
I'm Rocking this club  
Got my middle finger up  
I don't really give a fuck

I'm Rocking these diamonds  
I'm rocking this chain  
Make sure you get a picture  
I'm rocking my fame

The lyrics are..catchy, amazingly smooth but power packed at the same time. She's singing them like they've been inside her the whole time. Bert gives her two thumbs up and she rolls her eyes as she continues.

_To be what you wish  
You gotta be what you are  
The only thing I'm missing  
Is my black guitar_

Bert snaps at someone as they hurry into the booth to hand her guitar. Her fingers begin to manipulate the strings in this crazy intoxicating way.

_I'm a rockstar  
Hey baby  
I'm a rockstar  
Hey baby_

Big city  
White lights  
Sleep all day  
Up all night

Hey baby  
I'm a rockstar  
Hey baby  
I'm a rockstar

Hey baby its...  
Big cities  
And white lights  
Sleep all day  
Up all nights

She continues to strum along with the music, deviating every now and then to throw in her own mix. Without any warning she drops it and steps closer into the mic.

_Six inch walker  
Big shit talker  
I never play the victim  
I'd rather be a stalker_

So baby take me in  
I'll disobey the law  
Make sure you frisk me good  
Check my panties and my bra

Wildn out  
A crazy house  
With my white jacket on  
Wont you come  
And sign me out

To be what you wish You gotta be what you are  
The only thing I'm missing  
Is my drop top car

I'm a rockstar  
Hey baby  
I'm a rockstar  
Hey baby!

"I did it again, like…it's like this every time I'm in the booth. Ha. Tell Miley Cyrus she should quit." we all laugh at what she says. Bert switches off the equipment before Ashley becomes any more lucid.

"Shit. I wrecked my Gibson." she says pointedly as she steps over the guitar to get out of the booth. I am there to catch her.

"I gotcha Forrest."

"Hey goober?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we go to a house now? I'm done working." I feel the smooth skin of her back and shoulders as I try to support her weight.

"We sure can F, but first we have to find your shirt. I don't see where you flung it."

"That's because I. Was. RunNING! Ha Ha ha ha." she has this goofy smile on her face that meshes the rest of the features of her face together exquisitely. She's most beautiful when she isn't trying to be.

"I'm sure you were. But you know what, why don't you take..this" I say as I lift my own shirt over my head. I have a camisole on under. It's better than her not having on anything.

"Damn Spence.." Her yes scan my front. I can't control the blush that's creeping up from my toes but I'll keep myself together in lieu of the situation.

"Bert, will the paps be on the prowl?" I ask trying to change the subject.

"Nah, you should be good, I can have someone pull her car right up to the curb."

"Thanks, Ash, where're your keys?" She pulls them from inside of her bra and suddenly it's too hot. I don't like the things that this atmosphere is surfacing. With Bert's help, I hurry Ash outside and get her strapped in.

We ride in silence for a while; the windows down and air rushing in.

"Hey Goob?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm trying really hard not to stare at your chest but it's like …impossible. You look amazing in that thing. What do they call that … whatever it is, I've never seen it look as good as it does on you right now. It's just…maybe It's not _it_ you know. I think you're just beautiful and, because of that, everything you wear is beautiful by default. Like, for instance, I love the green spice nail polish that you wear on your toes. Like… I don't even like green or spice or nail polish but ever since that day in your room when you put it on I have been like loving it. Loving it, like McDonald's except like deeper. And wow, I've been staring at your chest the whole time I've been talking. .."

"Ashley.." I say, pulling the car up to the curb in front of her house. " We've gotta get you okay, can you play the quiet game until we get upstairs and the door closed."

"Just for you Goob, because quiet is the last thing I want." She's looking at me so fully and…what do I do? I've never been around her when she's like this. On one hand, I'm enjoying knowing how she feels but on the other..I feel like Morgan and Cuervo are talking to me more than Ash is. So I'll wait. There are so many things that I want to answer for her, to have her answer for me but we have to wait. Bigger things than us are happening, you know?

"Okay Ash thanks."

:: 

"EWWWWWWW!" Conner screams from the doorway.

"Con, shutup. Ashley has a headache okay?"

"Are you guys naked under there. That's gross!." I feel Ash stir beside me. I suppose things do look suspicious to him. Last night after half pulling Ash up the stairs, she upchucked all over herself and me. I had to get us undressed and cleaned up. I pulled both of us into the shower together in our underwear; I knew we wouldn't be completely clean but at least we wouldn't smell like regurgitated alcohol. Conner can probably only see our shoulders and arms above the cover.

"No, we're not. Go downstairs."

"Ashley has to take me to school. Mom says that when Ash is home I don't have to ride the school bus!"

"Spence…what's…"

"Go down stairs Conner."

Ashley registers that statement and she looks to the doorway. Her approach is a little less civil than mine. She grabs this pink pig thing off of her night stand and throws it at him.

"Con ! You little creep, get out!" The thing collides with his face and makes a little thump noise. He runs from the room, crying, probably off to tell Miss Davies.

"I'm sorry Ashley, I tried to keep him from waking you. I knew you'd be hung over."

"It's completely okay. Thank you for staying with me." She's smiling tiredly.

"Please, you know that I care for you Forrest. Where else would I be when my best friend needs me?" She leans forward and kisses my forehead.

"You're sweet Goob but don't you have school today?"

And I do but I was hoping that we could forget the fact that it's Monday .

"I'm skipping today. I worked last night" I say winking at her.

"Speaking of work, how was I last night? It's a total blur."

"Ash you rocked it! It was pure rock star 101, you know? The guitar playing, the roughness of it. You were really amazing." She smiles her heart melting smile at me.

"Well if you say so, then I know things will be okay."

"Are you hung over or anything?"

"A little…why?" I sigh, I don't want ruin this morning with her but I really need to hear some things from her.

"I wanted to talk."

"We are talking. Geesh and you say I'm special ed." she tries at a laugh but I think she sees the serious look on my face.

"Okay, hold on" she says. She gets up and makes her way to and out the door. I wait for her, taking the time to get together just where I wanted to start the conversation. See, Ashley has represents so much in the year that I've known her. I've never met someone who's able to carry so much. She makes strength beautiful. In her, I've seen ways to be happy. I wonder all the time, if it's fair to want to hold onto someone as tightly as I hold onto her. She's got so much potential and I know one day she won't be able to come home just to see me. I hear the door click and I look up to see Ashley returning to bed.

"Sorry had to go make Con catch the bus" she sees the look on my face as I take in the fact that she's still in her underwear. "It's nothing he hasn't seen before, now what's up?"

"Do you date?" I say after thinking for a moment.

"Yea, I have before, not currently, or since I've moved here if that's what you mean. Why?"

"Who?" She swallows.

"What is this all about? Did I say anything last night to upset you?"

"Just, please Ash..I need to hear this from you."

"I…her name was Mia." She's afraid now, of what I'll say, or of my reaction. It's heavy, what she just admitted to me.

"Do you only date Mias..Mias and not Aidens?" I breathe out.

"Only Mias. I'm sorry."

"Look, don't be..I think I knew, I just needed to hear you say it."

"Why?" she asks me, frantic now.

"To make it easier for me to do this…" I press my lips against hers gently. It's like nothing I've e ever done. Time has stopped and I can feel her heart in her lips. Her mouth opens and she's swallowing me whole and I'm falling now, faster and heavier than before. She pulls away slowly.

"Spence"…she breathes " I leave for New York tomorrow."

**AN:**

**So. Song is Rihanna Rock Star 101. Also, perhaps I've failed to communicate my feelings about reviews. Just in case here it is…..**

**I LOVE 'EM **

…**With that being said, I'll ask that the people who favorite or even just read comment as well. A simple 'pms' will do fine. In fact, you can copy the one that I just typed and simply paste it into the review box. Don't be shy…I'd love to hear from you. A special thank you to ****no1spacecadet ( I thank you and all of your spacy-ness) ; darkangeleyes23 ( may the dark angel continue to hurl awesome things your way) ; and mkylsmth ( you were the first and therefore the goober of my heart), for their lovely reviews.**

**muah,**

**Riis. **


	4. Chapter 4

Spencer's POV

'It's been about a week since Ashley left; she'll be back in a couple of days.' This is the generic response that I have generated so that I can hide how I really feel about the situation from those who ask. The truth is, I know exactly how long it's been. Seven days, six hours, forty –two minutes and there are exactly three days, eighteen hours and fifty nine minutes until her flight lands. I don't like the way that we left things. It was raw, and open. That kind of wound , when left to sit for as long as it has been , doesn't heal well. Things are sure to be rough when she gets back; I can tell by the tone she uses in her text messages. "Wish you were here" the last one said. It was more than slightly reminiscent of a post card you'd send to a relative who you never called on regular bases…and didn't intend to start calling once the holiday had ended.

There is school to keep me occupied. I deal with the drama between Aiden and Madison by not dealing. I'm working diligently at ignoring them both and, if I put in overtime –you know , really strive after it..I can have the two of them fazed out of my life completely by the end of the month. The only person that I really have to talk to is Kyla and even she can't shake me out the funk that I'm in these days. She knows that it correlates with Ashley's latest departure but I don't think knows just how much. I can't bear telling her the truth. I'm not sure that Ashley and I understand things well enough to have drawn a distinct line between 'truth' and 'lies'. It is true that we kissed but just as quickly as that happened; she left again. Now, as I sit in economics, trying desperately to concentrate, all I can feel is this empty feeling that's growing inside of me. She left without saying goodbye.

"_For how long this time?"_

"_I don't know? Maybe a week, most likely a little more." I was staring at her, openly. I had just given her this huge part of me, gift wrapped it practically and she wasn't…_

"_Ashley. I kissed you just now." she looked at me carefully. Her hands on my thighs._

"_I know that."_

"_Well…I uh, should probably get to school." I said getting up hastily. Her indifference, no matter how forced it was, bit into me deeply. I searched the floor for my pants._

"_Spencer…" I stopped. And despite myself, I felt a look of hope creep onto my face._

"_You…you said you were ditching today." I sighed._

"_Well I changed my mind. I know you probably have stuff to do to get ready for your trip. What time does your right leave anyway?" I didn't want to know the answer to that but I had to force myself to face the reality of what was going on. I couldn't keep allowing myself to live in this dream world with Ashley._

"_Like eight. Would you…" And the hope was back._

"_Yeah?" I asked whipping around to look at her._

"_Make sure Conner gets to school. Mom will be in and out but…."_

"_No problem. I can definitely do that."_

"_Thank you. I'll leave the key...in the uh usual spot then?"_

"_Yep."_

"Spencer!" My teacher snaps his fingers at me.

"I'm sorry." And I am, I really have to start doing better about my grades.

"Sometimes I think that you don't want to be here."

"I do Mr. Collins…I do." I just can't seem to stop wishing that Ashley was here with me.

::

I 'm sitting in Kyla's car, we are on our way to see a movie. Can't remember the title, wasn't really listening. I have this feeling in my chest like all of my vital organs have collectively decided to stop functioning and I have to concentrate on breathing. The pattern's all skewed and my head is spinning. I'd tell her that I want go home, that I need to, but the only thing that there is for me to do there is to stare all of the places not filled with Ashley.

"Okay what's wrong with you?"

"I'm…light headed." she sighs looking at me. She thinks that I'm lying. Am I?

It's a strange thing, watching yourself being drawn into a person. It's totally an outer body experience; floating way up, you observe yourself become attached. I think of those breathing machines or maybe even glasses. The more you use them, the more dependent you become on them and then one day, you find yourself in cars not being able to breathe or explain what's wrong with you, or why suddenly nothing matters. I get that I'm still here, on planet Earth and that Ashley is too. But this thing, this thing that I have allowed to consume me won't let me see reason. It's like I have to have her near me.

"Sure. Is that why you went all super bitch on Glenn today at lunch?"

_We were all sitting at the table we usually sat at when we did stay at school for lunch. I wasn't really tuned into the conversation but I saw the flicker of a familiar green and white letterman's jacket out of the corner of my eye. I knew instantly who it was but, determined as I was to __**not**__ acknowledge his existence, I kept my eye trained on my plate._

"_What's up bro?" Aiden said, casually bumping fists with Glenn. I worked on being fine with that._

"_Hey Aid."_

"_Everybody." Aiden aid acknowledging the table as a whole " Spencer". It was on me then; his eyes. That fixed stare that he thought he was going to use to get me to crumble._

"_Spencer, I didn't sleep with Madison on your birthday." Because he'd stated it in front of the whole table; I decided that I would finish it._

"_But you did other times?"_

"_Yes."  
_

"_Fuck you." I said simply, no anger…just, pure me._

"_Ha. We all know that you weren't doing that." The voice was Glenn's, piercing the silence., gifting us all with his rendition of lightening the mood. I flipped my tray into his lap to thank him for his trouble._

"He was out of line."

"Sure he was but he's Glenn; it's his job to be out of line and if you weren't in this mood that you are in, you would have laughed."

"I kissed Ashley."

"I mean, I know you're out of sorts but ...wait a minute, what?"

"I kissed Ashley."

"Why?"

"Because I needed to."

"Why? What are you saying to me here?"

"Nothing Kyla, Just that I kissed Ashley." She's staring at me now.

"Don't over react Ky and please, keep your eyes on the road."

"I think we need to scrap the movie."

"And why would we do that?"

"So that we can go somewhere to talk."

"There isn't anything to talk about, really."

"You're going to try and pull that bull with me, of all people?"

"Kyla…" I'm exasperated.

"Don't you think that I'd understand more than anyone what you're going through. Jesus Spencer, I could be a valuable resource. Don't push me away on this one."

"I'm not..there isn't anything going on that would call for a 'resource' as you put it. I kissed her, sans the drama, and now I've got a headache. It really isn't that complicated."

" Does it bother you that I'm gay?"

"No! I've told you that before. I'm fine with it Kyla, move on."

"So it's fine for me but you can't be."

"It isn't that I can't be it's just that I'm not."

"Then why, again, did you kiss Ashley who, in case you haven't noticed, is a girl."

"Weren't you listening when I told you the first time that I needed to?"

"I get that but why did you need to? Why. Did. You. Need. To?"

I don't always have answers to questions that I'm asked and so I go into a quiet place inside of head to reflect. I don't know why I needed to kiss Ashley but when I'm near her, there is this great swell of emotion that overtakes my body and the only way that I can think to express this is through my lips. How do you make that into the answer that a person wants to hear?

"I just..it was a feeling, the need. I don't want to talk about it anymore, though. I do have a headache. Maybe you could drive me home?"

"Fine."

"Yea, it is."

::

I am in church. Sundays remind me of rain and rain reminds me of Ashley. As the drops splash onto the roof and the window, I hear her voice gently humming in my ear.

_Last summer, I convinced Ashley to come to church with me, with my family. It had all stemmed from a conversation that we'd had about religion, what it means, who it comes from. I'd never met a girl who didn't believe in religion. That's what she told me, though._

"_I believe in God, I mean there is too much evidence for me not to but it's just…religion. I f God is everywhere and everything then why are their churches, mosques, temples and so forth? I just don't understand why I have to go listen to some guy tell me about __**my **__Creator. It's stupid."_

'"_Don't call it stupid." She was laying on my bed watch me get ready for that day's service. My family and I were Methodist and church on Sundays was a definite, guest or no guest._

"_I'm sorry but that's how I feel and honestly, I don't see why you go. Do your parents make you, or something?"_

"_Well, they wouldn't be pleased if I didn't go but I'd like to think that even if they weren't around to 'make' me, I'd still go."_

"_Why?"_

"_I like it."_

"_What's there to like?"_

"_Well have you ever been to one?"_

"_One what?"_

"_A church silly."_

"_No but I've seen those on-screen cable sermon thingies. Talk about crappy."_

"_Totally not the same."_

"_Well…it's as close as I'm getting I guess."_

"_So you'd be opposed to trying it out? Just, seeing what it's about?"_

"_I mean, I don't want anyone to try and exorcise me." I laughed at her obvious association of all religion with some Hollywood production._

"_That doesn't happen at my church. You should tag along today."_

"_Any holy water?"  
_

"_Definitely not."_

"_Wrinkly old man with funny hats and collars?"_

"_Well, Pastor Foreigner is old but not wrinkly and no to the rest."_

" _Any Latin or stolen art?"_

"_Jesus Ashley we aren't Catholic."  
_

"_Oh well…I don't have anything to wear."_

"_Our church is come as you are, I just like wearing dresses. My dad'll most likely wear jeans and my mom will wear khakis. You'll be fine."  
_

"_My mom will worry."_

"_Please, when does your mom ever worry about anything? Besides, you'll be in a church, what's the worst that can happen?"  
_

"_I'm famous. Yep, I'm famous and people will recognize me and it will disrupt the entire program."_

"_Ash. If you don't want to go, I'm not going to force you. Just say that instead of making stuff up. "_

_She sighed and hung her head a little._

"_I want to, I do but..I'm nervous."_

"_Hey," Is aid grasping her hand " I'll be there and I'll keep you safe from the holy water. Okay?"_

"_Okay."_

_We rode the entire way, holding hands in the back seat while my parents rode up front. She was staring absently out of the window but the side of her face looked golden in the sun. I remember wondering if it would be inappropriate to tell her that she looked like an angel, considering where we were headed. But she did in her black tank top, cut off shorts and biker boots. To me, she'd always seemed like this confident person. Even when she was unsure, she looked like she could take care of herself. That day in the car, though, as I drew circles on her palm with my thumb, she sat shivering. Something about seeing her, vulnerable like that, opened this part of me up and she nuzzled into my heart. It was moving , almost Spiritual._

_We even walked into the church holding hands and I could tell that Ashley was apprehensive about this but I held tight. My parents took the pew to our front to give us space to be together. Ashley seemed to be taking in every inch of the atmosphere. With her free hand, she stroked the worn pages of the hymn book that sat tucked into its little shelf. When Pastor Foreigner actually began his sermon she looked almost startled. That day, it was about the loss of a loved one, whether it's through death or some other means, and how to cope. The gravity of the pastor's words washed over her features; she was taking it in. _

"_The heart is the most sensitive organ in our bodies " He'd said gesturing at his chest. " And I mean that literally and metaphorically. There are so many tasks that it is responsible for. It is a battery, a compass, a keep-sake box and so much more. When it breaks…brothers and sisters when it breaks, we become stagnant, unmoving and for some, unfeeling."_

_Ashley shifted next to me._

" _It is a big thing but we must remember God through the gloom. There are things that we do when our hearts are broken that we know we'd never do otherwise. Some would say that a sin is a sin but weren't we created in the image of our God? When He experiences loss, disappointment, doesn't His heart break, just as ours do? Does it not also thunder when it rains?" _

_Ashley's hand tightened around mine._

" _Our God feels; he feels what we feel, when we feel and how we feel. I am telling you this, not to condone or advocate sin, but to present the fact that there exists some level of understanding. He understands the depth of our emotion and how we react to pain. A man drinks when he loses his wife and vice versa. He has too much but the bible says that God has no patience for drunkards. The bible is the truth, but not flat truth, we can think of it as three dimensional truth. When we read, we cannot take it as words on paper; we have to factor in God's understanding, His love, His heart." _

_I looked over and saw a tear escape from the corner of Ashley's eye. _

" _You might ask, what's the catch? Certainly there must be something we can do to deserve such kindness. Well there is something. We have to go to Him, even though all is seen, it is better if we take the initiative to repent. Why? Imagine, you have a very expensive perfume and, one day without warning, it disappears. You see your young daughter, and before she even comes near, you can smell the perfume on her skin; you can even see its stain on her shirt." A few people chuckled. " You know that she did it. But how does it make you __**feel**__, when she comes to you and admits it, apologizes? Well, we are, after all, made in God's image. Would not our approaching Him and admitting our shortcomings make Him feel the same way? I know that we are all hurting in some way or another; we've all lost someone in one way or another. Some of us have reacted in a way that is less than becoming. I have. Today, I invite up anyone who wants to, to say something that they feel that they need to. We, the church, don't have to understand its significance but God will." _

_A man rose and went to the stage._

"_Sarah," he said, his voice quivering. " I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I'd take it all back if I could." He started to cry and Pastor Foreigner clasped his back to console him. _

_A woman whom I'd seen before went next._

" _I need to see a professional. I know that now, and I will go. He's gone and I have to move on. I don't want to hurt my family anymore. "_

_The church grew silent. A few moments passed and, as Pastor moved back to the microphone I felt Ashley let go of my hand for the first time since my room. Before I could ask her what had happened, she had stood and was making her way to the front._

_She grabbed the microphone and for a few moments, all that could be heard were her shaky breaths before she began to sing._

_Well, I heard there was a secret chord  
That David played and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall and the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah_

:

_She paused and there was absolute silence. The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks. She composed herself as best she could before opening her mouth again._

_:_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you  
She tied you to her kitchen chair  
She broke your throne and she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I've been here before  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
You know, I used to live alone before I knew you  
I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
And love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well there was a time when you'd let me know  
What's really going on below  
But now you never show that to me, do you?  
But remember when I moved in you  
And the holy dove was moving too  
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

Maybe there is a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you  
And it's not a cry that you hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_  
_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_:_

_When she stopped, it was as if the air had been drawn out of the church. Her voice, ragged from hurt and crying, had risen above us and encapsulated our conjoined fears and hopes. It had been beautiful and she, with hear ruffled hair and slumped shoulders, was beautiful as she stood there, unmoving, searching our faces. The look she gave us was one that asked Why and breathed Help all in the same eyes._

_I went and got her. It had become apparent that she would be able to walk alone. With her weight on my shoulder, I guided her, not back to our pew, but outside. My parents had met us after the service concluded. We drove home without words, Ashley's head in my lap. I can still feel her snuggled gently into my side, later that night. I stayed still, just feeling her heart beat in time with mine. _

That is what I see and feel every Sunday. Though I 'd been the one to introduce religion to her , it was me that was grounded by her heavy faith. She gave me God, really. I'd never seen someone be that moved or been so moved myself. Perhaps that day represented the moment that it all really began to happen –the falling, that is. From then on, I was surrounded by her. I became the girl free falling down the rabbit hole. Now as I sit in the pew that we shared, alone, I wonder if I can ever feel whole the way that I had that day, with her leaving.

:

**AN:**

**T'was hard to write but here it is. The song Hallelujah but for this story I had the Kate Voegel version, particularly, in my mind. Thank you to all who reviewed. More would be lovely. **

**Riis,**

**Post Scriptum**

**My name is pronounced REE-SE, had someone read it incorrectly today so I thought id drop a note for the fanfictioners.**


	5. Chapter 5

Ashley's POV

There's something about being on an airplane that centers me. I've been on exactly three hundred and thirty two flights in my eighteen years of living. I've managed to tune out the noises of the goings on around me just to focus on the feeling of being up in the air. Whenever I'm in one state or another, I have something, every moment of the day, that I am supposed to be doing. Everyone down there has a claim on some part of me. The record company owns my voice, the tutor owns my brain, the corporate offices own my name and then there is Spencer. Spencer owns my heart.

'_Yo Ashley where are you going, we need you to finish signing these papers!" _

"_Give me a second, will you?" We had been discussing a clothing line based on my music. By discussing, I mean that my agents and the various companies that had invested in my studio time were telling me what type of clothes they would be putting out. They just needed me to nod and sign. _

_It had been a little over a week since I'd left Atlanta and I hadn't heard from Spencer. She hadn't been responding to my texts. I knew that we'd left things in a bad place and I felt guilty about it. Something about the way that she looked at me after we'd kissed had frightened me…I'd never experienced someone needing me like that._

"_Hello?" her voice answered into the phone._

"_Spence?"_

"_Ashley?" she sounded more awake as she realized who it was._

"_I'm sorry about the time. I've been working all day and this is the first time that they've left me alone long enough to call you and I…"_

"_Were you working all day yesterday?"  
_

"_Huh?"_

"_I mean you didn't call yesterday. In fact you haven't called for the past eight days Ashley." I knew that It was coming. I couldn't have expected for her to forget."_

"_Well, Spence, it isn't like I usually call you every day when I'm out of town."_

"_How can you be like this?"_

"_Like what?"  
_

"_Like nothing happened. I know I didn't dream it Ashley but you just brushed it off like that wasn't the single hardest thing that I'd had to do in my entire life." I swallowed. _

"_Had to?"_

"_What?"_

" _You said had to. You had to kiss me?."  
_

"_Yes. I did. "_

"_Why?"_

"_You know why."_

"_Please say it."_

"_You don't deserve to hear it." _

_She hung up on the phone on me then and she didn't answer her phone anymore after that. What had started out as a week in a half trip turned into three weeks. Three weeks of not talking to her._

I don't know what to expect when we land. Because of this, a part of me is hoping that we never do. If we stay in the sky, I don't have to face the fact that I may have blown my only chance with Spencer. Not only have I ruined my chances of having something deeper with her, I have ruined our friendship.

:::

My first stop on my way home from the airport is her house. It wasn't anything that I planned but before I knew it, I was sitting in her driveway contemplating my next move. I see the curtain in her room flutter and I know that she is watching me. Was that an invitation?

I'm climbing now, up the side o f the house under the watchful eye of the moon. I can hear the siding crackle under the weight of my boot. The window is open, like it would be any other time.

She's sitting on her bed, watching me as I hoist myself in. Her cheeks are red and her eyes are moist; she's been crying.

"Look I know that we have things that we need to discuss but for right now, can you just stay with me? " It surprises me that she is the first one to speak but I welcome the sound of her voice.

"I'd love to."

Laying here with her is the most natural thing that I've felt in almost a month and the smell of her skin is reminding me that I'm home. I love the feel of her breath on my neck as she sleeps. It's relaxing and easy going. Being here with her like this allows me to pretend that everything between is okay. Tomorrow I have a radio interview and a host of other things to do but I'm enjoying being with her. Sometimes I ask myself if I had known early on that I would feel this deeply about Spencer, if I would have went ahead with pursuing my music. It's a terrible trade off, really. On one hand I get to enjoy the music and it _is_ what I love doing. I get to write it and then watch my emotions come to life in a song as I record it. People all around the world get to share in that with me; for those three to four minutes we are connected despite the cultural or physical distance that might exist.

Then there is Spencer, her laugh, her smile, her fingers. We used to joke about what it would be like once I finally made it, when I would have my first number one song. I can still remember when I got the call from Bert, I was sitting with her in this room.

"_Hello?" I said , trying and failing to contain my anxiousness as a giddy Spencer silently squealed at me across the bed. I had the phone on speaker._

"_Ash! Doll! This is Bert."_

"_Oh, uh, hi Bert . What's up?" I asked trying to remain casual about the whole situation even though I __**knew**__ that the producers had gotten a chance to look at the Billboard Top 100 list. I had been waiting all day, pacing back and forth in Spencer's room, until the call finally came._

"_So I uh, got myself a look at the list what's it called again…"_

"_Billboard Top 100" Spencer and I practically screamed at the same time._

"_I got some bad news for you kiddo, something you're gonna have to get used to in this business, I'm afraid." Spencer looked at me alarmed. She'd already began mouthing I'm sorry._

"_Oh well, that's fine..what's the news?" I asked as my heart sank in my chest._

" _See you've got all of these veteran artists and their producers, yelling at me over here. The thing is, you're just coming out .This is your first go around at all of this. They just aren't too happy about it, frankly."_

"_Huh? Bert, I'm not understanding what you're saying to me. What's my number ? Did I make the chart at all?"_

"_Oh, your number, I forgot about that part."_

"_Just tell me, I can take it." Spencer was holding my hand for support. I was hoping that he'd hurry and say it. I didn't want to cry on the phone._

"_Well Ashley..are you sitting down?"_

"_Spill it Bert." I sad, my voice wavering."_

"_It's one." Spencer's eyes shot up at me. I don't think either of us had comprehended what he said on the first go._

"_What's one?"_

"_Geesh Ashley, your number."_

"_My number on the Billboard Top 100 chart?"_

"_Yea, Ashley.' Sweet Dreams' by Ashley Davies is Number 1. I'm looking right at it. It's at the top so I'm sure that I'm not mistaken." That's when it slammed into me like a ton of bricks. I was number one. My first single had gone to number one. Spencer and I raced up together and we hugged and jumped and cried. We forgot about poor Bert on the phone. As we jumped up and up on her bed it felt sort of like flying. Just like flyin, I didn't want to come down because I was so very happy._

_All of the radio stations were playing the song that day and so we danced until we made ourselves sick with dizziness. We collapsed onto her mattress, our breathing uneven and our voices near hoarse from singing so loudly, our hands linked together between us._

"_Hey Ash?"_

"_Yeah, Goob?"_

"_You're famous."_

"_I Guess."_

"_No I mean it, you've made it. You're really famous."_

"_It doesn't feel any different."_

"_But it will."_

"_Maybe."_

"_I don't want it to change things between us. I mean, I wanna look on tv and see on the Oprah show, acting like the same special ed fg that I've grown to know."_

"_I'll be the same Spencer. No matter how far I go, I'll always find my way back to this bed …back to this." I said lifting our entangled hands to lips._

"_Anyway, you goober. Rockstars don't go on Oprah. She's more for like novelists and humanatarians"_

"_Bon Jovi was on Oprah."_

"_Yeah, Goob. he's Bon Jovi though. I'm not that good."_

"_You are."_

"_You think?"_

"_Yeah, in fact, I'll speak it into existence. Five years from now, you'll be on Oprah."_

"_Five years from now __**we'll **__be on Oprah. I wouldn't go anywhere without you Spencer."_

I don't know when I finally fell asleep but when I woke up , Spencer was gone. There was no note . She was just gone. I cand no longer feel her warmth imprinted on my side.

::

'I don't know what Spencer told you, but you are allowed to use the front door Ashley." Mr. Carlin has just caught me trying to go back out of Spener's window.

"Well, sir, I didn't want to wake up the whole house and seeing as how Spencer wasn't here…I figured I'd leave."

"Well get down from there and com on down the stairs. My wife made pancakes, you can join us for breakfast." Something in his voice is saying that this not an option so I hop down.

"Do you know where Spencer went?" I ask when we finally make it to the kitchen and are settled at the table.

"Yeah, she said something about popping over to Aiden's" Mrs. Carlin answers me from over by the stove. I take alarge gulp of my juice to compose myself.

"The last time I was in town, they were on the outs."

"Yeah, well according to Spencer, that's all behind them." I feel my face crumple. I don't know why Spencer would waste any more of her time with that jerk. Mr. Carlin laughs at my facial expression.

"I feel the same way Ashley. Honestly that guy is no good. He doesn't even try to hide his intentions."

"Arthur!" Mrs. Carlin snaps.

"What? It's not like you like him either. Just the other day at dinner you called him an ass…"

"No need to repeat it. I admit, that yes, I would rather Spencer date someone a little more settled but I don't want to make feel Spencer feel like she can't talk to us about him. I want to be in the loop. This way, if anything happens we can know about it."

"Something already _has _happened which is exactly why I wasn't comfortable with the idea of letting her go over there to see him this morning."

"Not in front of company." Mrs. Carlin says as she brings the pancakes and bacon over to the table.

"Ashley isn't company, she's over here all the time."

"It's Spencer's business and that'll be the end of that. Say Grace please." she says as she takes her place across from him.

"Father in heaven please watch over us as we go through out our day, bless us and help us to maintain our faith. Amen. "

"Amen." Paula and I say together.

"So Ashley, climbing into Spencer's window again?" Mrs. Carlin asks me , making me almost pit out my mouth full of pancakes.

"Uh, I didn't want to wake anybody last night"

"Oh you know us,we're **always** up. " She says always in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

"Give her a break Paula. Girl just got in town, I'm assuming. She probably was just eager to see Spencer. In fact, I remember someone crawling in and out of quite a few windows in their day."

"You Mr. Carlin?"

"Oh no, I was way too skinny for that but Paula over there, she was sturdy. She used to come and see me in band camp."

" Arthur…" Mrs. Carlin is blushing.

"You did. She used to drive up all the way from her family's summer home to come and sleep next to me. Can you believe that Ashley? It's what made me fall in love with her. "

"That's really sweet but I have to go, I appreciate the breakfast and everything but maybe I could…wrap it up or something." I appreciate their kindness but my mind is still stuck on the fact that Spencer is over at Aiden's and that something happened between the two of them while I was gone.

"No problem honey. Will we see you later?" Ms. Carlin asks me giving me that look that knowing look.

"Um..I don't know, maybe. Thanks again."

:: 

I'm outside in my car now, just driving. The road is flying by beneath my tires and I hardly know where I'm going but where ever it is I'm going to get there fast. The speedometer tells me that I've just reached eighty five. I'm thinking, how could she do this? Why would she? My mind is telling me not to jump to conclusions, maybe she just went over to talk. My heart, though, is tearing into two because I know Spencer. I know something is up. I slam on brakes as I see a car pull out in front of me. It's almost too late. The driver stops the car right in front of me. She's getting out. I've seen her before; it's Kyla.

She's beating on my window.

"Open up!"

"Back up so I can!" I yell at her and she stands back in a what-are-you-going-to-do type of manner. I step out, fully intent on getting in her face. I hope that she can see that I am not in the mood to be trifled with.

"What' your problem? You could have killed me back there! Why are you driving like a bat out of hell?" 

"I just…I had the right away!"

"Are you blind or just suicidal? There is a stop sign as bright as your fucking car back there. If you weren't so bent on killing everything on the roadway, yourself included, you would have seen that it was a four way stop and that I had the right away. Bitch." She finishes pointedly and turns on her heal to walk away.

"Kyla is it? Wait. " I say following after her.

"What Ashley?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm having a rough morning. How can I make it up to you?"

"I was headed to the dry cleaners to pick some stuff up. You can pay."

"Alright" I say getting ready to pull some bills out of my pocket.

"No, I want you to come."

"I can do that too; I guess I'll follow you there."

We pull up to some hole in the wall dry cleaning place and I get out and follow her in. She handles her business at the counter.

"It's going to be twenty five minutes more. You mind waiting?"

"Nah, I'm fine." She nods as we sit in a set of rickety chairs at the front of the shop. We sit in silence for a few seconds.

"So you want to tell me why you tried to kill me a few minutes ago?"

"It was an accident. I had a lot on my mind." 

"Like what?"

"No offense but I don't know you well enough to go into detail."

"That's fine but I'm betting I know why already."

"Oh yeah? Then why ask?"

"To see if you would tell me." I laugh a little.

"I doubt you know."

"It's about Spencer right?"

"Something like that."

"It's because she's pregnant, isn't it?"

:

AN

**Thank you for the reviews; I appreciate all of them, good and bad. I was bitchy yesterday because I thought that I'd fractured my arm playing lacrosse. Doc says it's all good; it's just going to be painful for a while.**

**Riis**


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